being a cool girl kills the possibility of female friendship
straight from the lips of your recovered cool girl
Recognizing that the cool girl persona even exists is truly monumental. We’re living in a time where girls and women are finally able to separate themselves from the masks social conditioning attempts to place us in at an early age. Young women will comment, “I hope he picks you” on a girl’s TikTok video whose promoting Trad Wife Behavior, or the girl whose made a 2-minute video making fun of Taylor Swift. We see these women blasting harmful rhetoric online, promoting the loss of self for women and grasping at anything to continue the false safety being promoted through patriarchal notions. It triggers us. We want to see them do better. To stop adding to the noise of an-already-impossible system we are trying to break out of.
Dragging other girls as Pick Me’s and Cool Girls is an act of calling one another out, of holding one another to a new standard, of pushing young girls and women to de-center male attention. I get it. What it doesn't account for is the fact that the new and improved girls we are trying to be— are being overshadowed by the need to punish, stomp over, and criticize other women. Online bullying through the anti-pick-me standard allows young girls to other one another and cause just as much harm as the cool girl they are attempting to leave behind. On the receiving end of it, the girls who are still unaware of the system you are speaking of—are only internalizing one concept: that girls really are just mean. This cycle only polarizes us from one another. It is impossible to speak to the nuance of an experience someone does not yet have the awareness of -to dissect and apply to their life. Cyber bulling won’t break the cycle.
None of us are perfect. It’s important to recognize where our awareness is falling a little short. Everyone leaves behind their cool girl character on their own time. (as frustrating as it may be)
Since preschool, we’re conditioned to understand our lesser-than value as a little girl. I’ve seen it first hand as a Pre-K teacher, where 4 and 5 year old little boys say “ew” to girls who like pink, or make fun of the babydoll they want to snuggle with at nap time. I’ve watched many 5 year old girls shrink in these spaces.
Learning the act of the cool girl is a subtle and condemning experience. In the social hierarchy of middle school, everyone is jockeying for position in order to stay emotionally alive. I noticed when boys liked that I didn’t care too much about my hair, or when I said, no it’s cool, instead of letting tears fall. Becoming one of the boys’ girls bought your way into safety. There was no higher honor than being recognized as one of them in social circles— to be the girl every boy gawked over and respected just enough to hang around in the hallways or the party— so long as you kept your cool. The cool girl is effortlessly attractive, low-maintenance, and able to hang with the boys without taking too much space. She's essentially a male fantasy come to life. She’s not real, but boys grow up witnessing us all conforming to it— and so they step into adulthood looking for an idea of a person that doesn’t actually exist.
Insert Cool Girl Monologue from Gone Girl Here
As a grown adult, I have no surviving “best” female friendships from my high school. Acquaintances of many, but the 7-10 girls I was always surrounded by within those intense adolescent years, are nowhere to be found. All of the friends I now consider family from that time, are men. I don’t think this is a coincidence.
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Though I’m aware my high school experience may have been a bit more extreme than some others, I can’t help but shudder when I think back to the few memories I have of these female relationships and the dynamics within them. There is nothing more painful than coming of age and being surrounded by people who you cannot trust— who utilize social hierarchy to gain control and manipulate others around them. We were all capable of it as teens. (and even as adults) And I think that’s the most shocking.
Within these years of development, our internal need of survival depended on our acceptance from boys. This only fosters competition and division amongst teen girls, and creates a cycle into early adulthood, if we aren’t aware of it. I can’t even begin to place how many times I’ve heard adult men comment on how “crazy” girls are, how “unstable they are” or how “much” they are. These ideas stem from the moment of realization or relapse— where women break free of their cool girl persona and let their humanness slide through. Some men recognize this as unhinged. It’s something they don’t recognize, because usually, they’ve chosen to remain close to the girls who require much less energy.
For them, the very first recognition of the actual human girl or woman, who is filled with complex characteristics, flaws and emotions— is far too much to handle.
Many of my close girl friends during high school years were also suffering with intense and heartbreaking experiences— drug addiction, physical fighting, familial abuse, abortions, sexual assault, the list goes on— rather than creating a safe space for one another to rest into, many of these things were used against us, or created friction. No one knew who to trust, no one had anyone safe to turn to. I’ve had friends sleep with boyfriends, manipulate and lie to gain social respect— etc. Instead of being able to turn to one another in our times of desperate need…we often ran into the arms of boys who were not prepared to hold us. There was often no one to catch you from that fall.
I think of these women now and wonder if they cringe the same way I do when looking back on our younger selves. I wonder if they’re okay and able to see past the traumatic relations of our younger years. I wish I could hug them and tell them I’m sorry for my lack of awareness and my eagerness to secure a safe space amongst boys who ultimately, did nothing but harm me. I think of them often.
It’s no coincidence as teens that we would easily toss away any female relationship in order to stay relevant with the boys surrounding us.
As a girl, you’re taught the most important thing in life is marriage… and more subtly, male attention. We had no care for one another because we were too busy caring what the boys thought of us. The thought guts me to this day. The cool girl archetype places greater importance on catering to the needs and desires of boys, often at the expense of women's own well-being.
When you’re moving towards adulthood and this is the foundation for your female friendships— several things begin to take shape:
you become wary of women and untrusting of their presence. the male concept of “all women are crazy” becomes indoctrinated into your belief system
The lack of safe and honest friendships pushes us on a path towards relationships that we aren’t ready for, or are even harmful for us. We believe our toxic, intimate relationship with these boys it’s how the world works. We can stay in these patterns for years
The cool-girl dynamic reinforces unequal power dynamics within relationships and undermines women's autonomy
I cannot imagine how different my 20’s would have been had I been surrounded by the female friendships I have now. The ones who truly understand me, even in my weakest moments, and are there to hold me accountable and closer to my truth. I would have learned how to trust myself earlier. I would’ve had confidants and and an irreplaceable, unshakable support system. I wouldn’t have taken his shit for so long.
As a recovered cool girl, my biggest takeaway from all of this is registering just how much work it takes to unwind the system from your head; alongside the intense amount of care and tenderness it takes to do this for other women you’re working to be in friendship with.
No one talks about the work and patience that friendship requires…and it would be utterly naive to look at adult women (who have lived within this structure for so long) and ask them to show up vulnerably, with no hesitation. The truth is, the cool, pick-me girl still lives deep within us all. The body believes we are not safe. The process of adult friendship is more about plucking her out, shining the light on her, and understanding why these roles harm us so deeply. It’s about noticing the nuance of conversation, what our actions are stemming from, and how we could accidentally manipulate or attempt to form a power struggle amongst the women who are trying to love us. We can be mirrors for one another if we are willing to do the work.
It is not easy, overnight work to kill the cool girl.
I have separated from several female friendships over the last few years, after this process seemed to be too triggering for both parties. It would be unfair of me to sit here from a high horse and dictate why a friendship ended and why they are so wrong.
Amongst women, there will always be triggers. And we each have our own, very specific, very grueling ones. I’ve witnessed women bolt at the first sign of accountability, hard conversation, or honest truth. And I forgive them and understand them—- because I’ve been there, too. The kind of deep-level understanding we’re all so badly craving can never be formed if we are showing up to a relationship with the story that they are going to hurt me. We can never be seen for our true selves unless we stop trying to bolt out the door each time a confronting conversation happens.
I’m not sitting here to say that every female relationship won’t have its flaws and shortcomings— or that each person you meet in this life will be worthy of being in your life as a staple. What I’m saying is— when you find people who are deeply committed to understanding and fundamentally respecting you — your perception of friendship can change. But we have to be willing to sit in the discomfort, truly hear and respect the stories embedded in those we love, and be willing to see our own shortcomings and harmful tendencies. No one wants to feel like they are harmful. Especially women conditioned to be the best good girls. We will want to fight and flight and prove that we are good, sometimes rather than hearing the other person out. But learning how to listen is part of the cool girl unwind. Therapy for friendships is highly underrated.
If we continue bringing old feelings into new relationships, the trajectory will never change. Easier said than done, I know.
Our society is currently in the marketing aspect of therapy and therapizing our marriages and attachment theories… but friendships are rarely mentioned within these spaces. They require just as much work, and perhaps more— because there is no bond or gratification through sex. Yes, everyone longs for a female best friend to take a long, luxurious trip to Europe with— but having a friend who you can sit in front of and say, “you hurt my feelings and this is hard for me” is the kind of friendship that will transport you into levels of understand you never thought possible.
Friendship is not just about the glam or the highlight reel, or even having someone to feed your cat or move you out of your apartment. Friendship is the space we create for others to feel accepted for the person they are— flaws and all— while working through moments of accountability and repair. Friendship is the ultimate commitment to understanding another, something that the cool girl must lay down her persona for— a turning point in life that is cannon and will change the trajectory of her life x