Sam, this was such a beautiful piece, and very timely as I struggle with similar issues these days. 29 and sitting at the crux of my own fig tree, scared to pick one fruit, afraid of picking the wrong fruit wondering what life I want to choose. Thank you for writing this!
Oh my goodness thank you so much for sharing your own experience with this! I almost didn’t publish this piece, I felt my thoughts were too scattered and it wouldn’t make much sense. We are never alone in anything, and you’re doing a great job sitting with your fears. We have the courage to push away from that crux of the tree anytime we choose. Right there with you, friend x
Sam, I opened Substack and this was the first post in front of me. I commented a few weeks ago that I, too, was turning 33 in September. I did what you wondered about…I became a mother (to twins at 18) before I knew too much. I stayed home and raised them while my husband built his career, an experience I found enriching and expansive and sad and lonely. They are wonderful people and I’m proud of the work I’ve done raising them. And yet, I find myself with the exact same feelings you have today. Staring up, watching the figs shrivel. I watch my hands age. I wake with a racing heart, worried that time has passed me by. I feel resentful. Worried I know too much now, unpossessed by the irrational confidence of youth, to make the metaphorical jump. I suppose we all give our time to something or someone. Perhaps it’s natural to look backwards and forwards with wonder and anxiety, regardless of the chosen path.
Rachel…. I have chills. What a heartfelt response and SO IMPORTANT to add to this conversation. does it help a bit to know we are all feeling the same longings??? no matter what path we take, there will always be lingering uncertainty waiting in the wings, hoping to steal us from the present. I’m so thankful for your experience here and for sharing it with me (and us) we still have life to live, and the only way forward is remembering our only job is to do so 🩵
This is so beautiful. I have yet to read the Bell Jar (a crime I know, but this is pushing it towards the top of my list). But I recently read a book called Four Thousand Weeks that talks about the same idea of intentionally choosing one path means that we are saying no to all the other paths.. and that there is something sort of sacred and beautiful about knowing that you will miss out on other things by choosing something else. Not that I thought like that when I was younger - heck I feel like I'm just starting to think like that now! But never too late.. 32 years young.
Hi Sam, this is a lovely piece, and at 29... I feel all of this so deeply. It's crazy how quickly just 10 years goes by. At 19 I still felt like I had endless time to decide how I'll choose to carve my path through life. Now at almost 30 I am struck by the horror of how quickly life passes and how it doesn't wait for us to be certain of anything. If only I could hit pause and sit in the fig tree outside of time and taste all the figs before choosing the one that is most sweet. If only I had a fairy godmother to swoop down and whisper in my ear which direction will bring my soul the most fulfillment. Instead, I need to make peace with not knowing what is best in the long run and that all I can do is follow whichever path feels best for me at each time. And try as best I can to maintain a clear vessel for my unclouded inner guidance to steer me. Yet, I know mistakes will happen, and I just pray I am wise enough to not take the paths that will lead to the most uprooting ones.
I was meant to find this. Word for word, my own indecision has cost me many things. I am becoming in recency painfully honest with myself and releasing so much - and gaining much more in exchange now.
This essay was a deeply moving peek into your heart, that feels like it peeked my very own. Thank you, profoundly 🙏🏽💗
Sam, this was such a beautiful piece, and very timely as I struggle with similar issues these days. 29 and sitting at the crux of my own fig tree, scared to pick one fruit, afraid of picking the wrong fruit wondering what life I want to choose. Thank you for writing this!
Oh my goodness thank you so much for sharing your own experience with this! I almost didn’t publish this piece, I felt my thoughts were too scattered and it wouldn’t make much sense. We are never alone in anything, and you’re doing a great job sitting with your fears. We have the courage to push away from that crux of the tree anytime we choose. Right there with you, friend x
Sam, I opened Substack and this was the first post in front of me. I commented a few weeks ago that I, too, was turning 33 in September. I did what you wondered about…I became a mother (to twins at 18) before I knew too much. I stayed home and raised them while my husband built his career, an experience I found enriching and expansive and sad and lonely. They are wonderful people and I’m proud of the work I’ve done raising them. And yet, I find myself with the exact same feelings you have today. Staring up, watching the figs shrivel. I watch my hands age. I wake with a racing heart, worried that time has passed me by. I feel resentful. Worried I know too much now, unpossessed by the irrational confidence of youth, to make the metaphorical jump. I suppose we all give our time to something or someone. Perhaps it’s natural to look backwards and forwards with wonder and anxiety, regardless of the chosen path.
Rachel…. I have chills. What a heartfelt response and SO IMPORTANT to add to this conversation. does it help a bit to know we are all feeling the same longings??? no matter what path we take, there will always be lingering uncertainty waiting in the wings, hoping to steal us from the present. I’m so thankful for your experience here and for sharing it with me (and us) we still have life to live, and the only way forward is remembering our only job is to do so 🩵
This is so beautiful. I have yet to read the Bell Jar (a crime I know, but this is pushing it towards the top of my list). But I recently read a book called Four Thousand Weeks that talks about the same idea of intentionally choosing one path means that we are saying no to all the other paths.. and that there is something sort of sacred and beautiful about knowing that you will miss out on other things by choosing something else. Not that I thought like that when I was younger - heck I feel like I'm just starting to think like that now! But never too late.. 32 years young.
"Starved by indecision" to not be left with a fruitless tree or shade for your soul, is an image that will not leave me!
Hi Sam, this is a lovely piece, and at 29... I feel all of this so deeply. It's crazy how quickly just 10 years goes by. At 19 I still felt like I had endless time to decide how I'll choose to carve my path through life. Now at almost 30 I am struck by the horror of how quickly life passes and how it doesn't wait for us to be certain of anything. If only I could hit pause and sit in the fig tree outside of time and taste all the figs before choosing the one that is most sweet. If only I had a fairy godmother to swoop down and whisper in my ear which direction will bring my soul the most fulfillment. Instead, I need to make peace with not knowing what is best in the long run and that all I can do is follow whichever path feels best for me at each time. And try as best I can to maintain a clear vessel for my unclouded inner guidance to steer me. Yet, I know mistakes will happen, and I just pray I am wise enough to not take the paths that will lead to the most uprooting ones.
So beautifully written! It resonates with me so much <3
I was meant to find this. Word for word, my own indecision has cost me many things. I am becoming in recency painfully honest with myself and releasing so much - and gaining much more in exchange now.
This essay was a deeply moving peek into your heart, that feels like it peeked my very own. Thank you, profoundly 🙏🏽💗