stop telling me how to optimize my life, I'm burnt out

my exhaustion is not another problem to solve.. its a consequence of the broken system.

three weeks ago I stepped away from the marketing responsibilities of my two businesses and, like the rebel of all rebels, deleted instagram from my phone.

knowing that it could only be a short time before I was back to my usual responsibilities, I spent the last three weeks doing things that humans do:

actually cooking my food, painting without the interruption of recording a 10 second video, reading books and articles with the brain power to actually digest, having my full attention with friends, making eye contact during meals, doodling, writing… being bored. it was glorious. I even started having dreams again?

as if the vice grip that’s been squeezing all of my brain capacity had released me from it’s claws, allowing energy flow back into my thoughts and limbs and life force.

I am a full-time figurative painter— most of my income stems from large-scale commissions and the sale of original works. I’m also the founder of a women’s retreat company and creative embodiment institute. I wear a lot of hats. My life’s purpose is aligned with my work and so…. work is pretty much all I do. I don’t just like it that way, I love it. Witnessing other women step into their power fuels every single decision I make to continue making this work happen.

because I believe women will save this world.

The internet world would like me to introduce myself by saying else, something where I focus mainly on the success I’ve built in the last ten years. Maybe something like, “I’m the founder of two six-figure businesses that pull in X-amount of dollars per month, hitting just over 200k in sales this June, in only one week’s launch period ”

This introduction shows authority. Proves I’m worthy of your attention.

I’m a boss bitch, look at me go.

but god I’m so tired of reading about everyone’s mile markers for capitalistic success.

I’m much more interested in the things we don’t often say aloud in a room full of people. what gives you purpose in life? how have you been coping with the loss of your cat? do you still think about your childhood best friend that moved away, never to be seen again? what would you do if you weren’t afraid? how do you believe the world to still be such a beautiful place?

Success is found in the going deep.

this little social media hiatus, though small, has made it glaringly obvious that I’m exhausted by it. the culture around proving our worth with numbers and external success is exhausting, not to mention, boring?…. like we’re all climbing to the top of some unknown mountain we don’t actually want to summit. why is everyone talking the same? repeating the same thought ptterns? making their captions for their programs with chatpgt?

Why are we so obsessed with proving our worth to other people? When will we ever be enough for ourselves?

Before leaving instagram, my explore feed was just as toxic— a commodification of posts showcasing how to monetize and optimize every single second of every single day.

“ways to stop betraying yourself and start growing your personal brand” “ten habits I stole from the most successful people” “fun things to do around your 9-5 this week” “aesthetic photo ideas for the cool girls” “stop planning your life, do this instead”

this is where I get on my high-horse.

and why I find the work with creativity and embodiment and self trust within women to be so vital for the times we’re living in.

the system is trying to convince us we will be free if we just buy more, prove more, optimize more. but it’s a fabricated lie that keeps us sliding back down the hill— burnt out, resentful, and performing for the patriarchy.

none of that reaching outside of ourselves will bring freedom.

we’re building our own cage.

I truly cannot stand when we are conned into doing the work for the patriarchy… manipulated into believing we’re helping ourselves, one another, or the world — by becoming “better” worker bees for the system.

our obsession with efficiency and optimization is just obedience, control, and exploitation repackaged into self-help-boss-babe-growth-wellness.

because at the root of it, we’re absolutely not longing to squeeze out any more of those last drops of energy through our day… we actually yearn the opposite of that.

we want to throw our phones off a fucking cliff and kiss our lovers and stop surveilling ourselves and move to a little house in the countryside where we can watch the sun rise and fall.

we’re daydreaming of a space to put the fucking performance down.

no more proving, earning or optimizing. we’re in serious, deep need of rest…. not a total reinvention of our lives, our purpose, our selves.

but obedience culture will sneakily package some shit up real nice and shiny and convince you that doing more, proving more and earning more will make you feel fulfilled in your one and precious life.

spoiler alert: it won’t.

I know because I’ve been there. because I am there.

even with my work being the most fulfilling, joyful and soul-pleasuring role it could ever be, I am still standing here, burnt out.

because our bodies have limits.

and our system trains us to ignore every single one of them.

it makes us believe that more clothes, more research, more programs, more books, more growth, more doing, more more more more more more more

will aid us in our depletion.

but if I’ve learned ANYTHING from my life as an entrepreneur the last ten years, its that my exhaustion is not another problem to solve or fix… its a consequence of the broken system.

my body and mind are not broken for needing real food, real connection, real rest. they are actually reminding me of what all humans need: the hierarchy of needs so true to who we are as a species that even the capitalistic hellscape we live in could never overpower the tether back to it.

so in these moments, I know real growth has happened when I stop going outward with my cures. as an entrepreneur, I will always be battling burn out— towing the line between balance and absolute obliteration of my system to uphold my greater dreams. but there can be protection in it now.

instead of reaching burn out and immediately turning outside of myself, I pause and listen to what my body is telling me.

what sensations are arising? what have I been ignoring? what have I been neglecting? how do I actually fucking feel?

and instead of running to the external, like: doomscrolling on TikTok, opening an internet shopping cart, pushing my body at the gym after working a 17 hr day, ordering another Uber Eats dinner I don’t have time to make, or working harder and showing up more for every single person in my life so I can prove that I am worthy of love and success and support—

I make a game plan.

How can I get back to supporting my body and my spirit? What would that even feel like?

I write it all out, listing the things I’m actually craving.

When I read the list back, it sounds absolutely impossible to my logical brain. Good. That usually means I’m on the right track, and breaking the patterns cemented into my subconscious around worthiness and scarcity and earning my life.

I make a plan to roll back what I can, and go into my rituals I’ve abandoned. Writing when waking instead of looking at my emails. I call friends, employees and family and set boundaries, letting them know I will be less available or need extra support. I time block and do not, under any circumstance, blow through a time segmented out for my yin yoga class, my meditation, my walk outside, my time to cook a meal. I stop consuming online apps. I turn the lights down earlier and find the ingredients in my fridge to make a nourishing meal, eating it slowly.

I call a friend I miss and tell her I love her. I snuggle luna and frank and Luke rather than scrolling my phone. I walk outside at the end of the day, take off my shoes, and stand in the grass. I start noticing the color of the mailboxes on my walks to the studio— my time spent looking up rather than at a little device that controls my world.

We believe we need so much to come back to center. But it is found in the simple things we’ve convinced ourselves are much too simple to ever make impact:

food. connection. introspection. nature. rest. movement. love.

The world has done a wonderful job at convincing us that all of these complex things outside of us will fix our never-ending depletion— a form of exhaustion so spiritual we have difficulty even pinpointing where we went wrong.

Perhaps, we can remember, it is not us who has taken the wrong path… but the system guiding us toward apathy, disconnection, and creative severing. Perhaps, if we practice turning inward… rather than to the external harmful system of guidance-- we can remember that the power of coming back to oneself is something we hold the key to access at any point.

That for centuries before us, our ancestors, in some form or another…. gathered around Fire and Water and food and held vigil in connection to their humanity.

Our culture wants us to believe that the answer to burn out is refining our habits, our lives, our days.

But map back home remains in the simplistic decision to turn away: away from those systems in order to remember we have a body, a mind and a spirit to connect with.

in that remembrance, we realize we have nothing to prove.

and sometimes, through all of the growth, awakenings and success markers… the most spiritual thing we can do…. is take a god damn nap x

if you are a women navigating intense burn out, longing to put down the performance, experience nurturing community, and explore new modalities and rituals to guide you back home:

we’d love for you to join us in this sacred container in Joshua Tree this October.

we only have five spaces left x

this will be our 17th retreat, and one that feels especially monumental to me— and the version of me that believes in the power of taking back our minds and bodies as a form of rebellion. because so many of us grew up not knowing a single rested and embodied woman.

I believe that change begins with us.

erasing our needs as women does nothing but continue to feed the patriarchal systems that harm so many. we deserve to be held, witnessed and experience nurture in the way we care for everyone else.

to read more about what we’re building at The Body Is The Blueprint, our retreat testimonials, and more:

reconnecting women to the wisdom of their bodies and one another: through immersive retreats, creative exploration and embodied education— fostering spaces where art, healing, and community meet.

follow us on Instagram as well! xo