tangled in the climb out: the escape instinct and our love crabs

if you truly love someone, let them crawl out of the bucket

As a little girl, we would visit the OBX shore every other summer. My siblings and I would pack into the minivan with our coloring pads and crayons, library-rented books— and prepare for the 17 hour ride south. We never minded though, because the shore was absolute freedom. Running in the waves all day with not a care in the world, until the sun pushed you gently towards the best nap of your life? Yes please.

The beach became my safe space, the place I longed to be when I was anywhere else. Especially my small upstate New York town. When visiting the Carolina shore I now call home, I would collect shells, hardened coral and sand dollars— amazed by the variety of life forms the sea held. Late-night crab-catching walks were always on the agenda. What’s more invigorating than being allowed outside in the pitch black, screaming as little critters threaten to pinch your toes?!

I remember witnessing them in my little yellow bucket illuminated by the flashlight my dad held over them. How they chaotically climbed the walls and pulled one another by the legs. We never ever kept them for long— just long enough for us to observe their ghost-like shells, massive pinchers and elongated beady eyes.

Noticing their interaction hits close to home later in life. When these crabs are captured and placed in a bucket, it’s in their nature, like most living things, to put any and all effort into escaping their capture. They begin to crawl and desperately slide down the plastic sides, holding out hope that they’ll reach the brim. The interesting observation though, is found in the nature of the crabs as a group. If one grab makes it up the wall of the bucket, the other crabs will pull it back down with them. Or so the parable goes.

I have had many metaphorical crabs in my life. Some being cruel and intentional about it, others being subconsciously terrified. I have also been someone else’s crab. When we see someone stepping out of line, riling up every ounce of courage they have to step out of their life’s metaphorical bucket, we panic. Are they insane? Thinking that this is a good idea? Do they have any idea what’s awaiting them after the jump off the ledge? IT IS NOT SAFE! We must pull them back down.

When I left my job to be a full time artist, it was quite the brutal and confusing awakening to understand that fear and love are often entwined. When we love someone, it’s natural to hold more fear around them risking safety, getting hurt, or the unimaginably: losing them. When you’re doing something deemed societally terrifying, it can be hard to protect yourself, especially from those who love you. Does this love hold us down in safety so much that it suffocates our potential? Aren't the people who love us supposed to be our biggest supporters? Confusing, when you tell someone you deeply cherish your dream— only for them to look at your sideways and question everything you’re fighting so hard to unravel— by dreaming about it.

When we hold love for something, we often proceed with two choices: holding them with the restraint of fear in a caged nature — or releasing them to their own free will and trust in themselves.

As Conor Oberst rattles, If you love something give it away—

In it’s natural and confusing human form, love aims to protect above all else.

Fear and love must work to be separated. Actually, taking that back— not even separated so much as coinciding with awareness. When we are aware of our own fears, we can watch those we love expand and sit with them in holding their fear. But we do not prevent them from proceeding, because there is a deep honoring there. “I’ll be here if you fall, but I trust that you won’t— because you trust yourself and in that trust— I honor and trust you.”

It can be painful to feel our fear in other people, especially those we love. Though I’m not a mother myself yet, I can only imagine how terrifying it must be to have your child as an extension of yourself just out in the world without protection.

You want to quit your stable career, move 900 miles from home, and just hope that it works out? Are you insane? You’re stepping into uncharted territory. One that I cannot protect you from.

The more cruel “crabs” in our lives are talked about more often. We hear from our therapists and friends how to have boundaries with these unsafe people. They’re manipulative, envious, cruel, and sometimes— very sneaky. They don’t want us to succeed or be left behind. They feel competitive. They demean your dreams, your life, even your entire personality. Though they’re much harder to pinpoint in the beginning— a wolf in sheep’s clothing perhaps— they do become easier to weed out as you go along. The “love” crabs are talked about less, because there is nuance to their behavior and it’s confusing. They want the best for us, but they want us to stay in line. Is that still considered love?

It was insanely disorienting to develop the courage and self trust to forge my life path. If i’m fully honest with myself on this, it still is. The fear can be very visceral and painful. But there is more self-trust along for the ride now.

When first meeting the “love” crabs of my life, I realized how often other people’s fears and insecurities were being projected onto me. I had to work very, very hard to observe and separate the two in order to move forward. I had to tune out their constrictive love and trust that I would be able to know when I’ve gone too far. And in that same vein, also respect the idea that the choice I’m making might be someone’s else’s “too far”— and that doesn’t make them a cruel or unfair person. I accept that I, more than most, like to test my edges. A good thing and a safe thing might not always be the same thing. We determine those edges for ourselves. We choose who to listen to when crawling our way out of the bucket. We develop enough self awareness to hopefully recognize when we’ve gone too far.

If you’re in a tender part of your life right now, feeling overwhelmed by outside noise and voices and expectations when forging a life path or simply making a decision— know it’s normal to feel confused by which to listen to. There are ways we can protect ourselves from the crabs in our lives, even the ones who love us most. Because remember, no form of love replaces self love and understanding.

Trusting that you know what’s best for your fulfillment, well-being, and overall life path is the most important skill we can develop in this life. It eliminates confusion, heartbreak, paralyzation, and indecision. It gives us our power back. It fuels our invigorating climb out of the damn bucket.

No matter where you are in your so-called-bucket-life-journey… you have the ability to strengthen your self trust and not only successfully crawl the sides of the bucket, but ensure that you are not unwillingly becoming the love crab in someone else’s story. Controlled and constrictive love can exist to an extent where it is not actively harming us— if we are aware of it with the proper tools to see it for what it is. The delusional, open-cage kind of love— though— that’s where the goodness lies.

And if you don’t yet have that in another person in your life and this feels heartbreaking…. it is still your number one job to become that for yourself.

We don't have to live in the bucket forever x

Some practices that have helped me:

Honing in on our inner world. This is always step one and can feel very vague and eye-rollish. But it’s vital to any other step in protecting yourself. Glennon Doyle, in her first book, describes this process by sharing how every day, she would lock herself deep in her closet and tuck herself behind her hanging clothes— and just close her eyes. She was meditating, and removing herself from all of the outside noise and pressures of her family and others. She was reconnecting with herself.

• Some ideas for this:

  • Daily meditation practice. (five minutes is more than enough!) See what comes up

  • Daily journaling practice, totally unfiltered

  • Nature walks without a phone. Take notes of what comes up when you get back inside

  • Massage (practicing tuning into our bodies aches and needs for touch and then VERBALIZING this to another person can be incredibly empowering)

  • Solo time of any kind: going out for coffee alone, a roadtrip for two days removed from daily pressure, repeating affirmations while you brush out your hair from the shower

Recognizing our confusion and protecting ourselves in these tender moments. Once we’ve developed a bit more of self awareness and what makes us tick / what we need more of / what we need less of / our deepest dreams and fears —- we’re able to better pinpoint where our confusion is stemming from. What decisions have we been putting off? Why? How can we protect ourselves when committing to ending the indecision?

• Some examples of this process:

  • When I knew I needed to leave my ex-fiancé, my timeline of speaking it aloud to others (especially my love crabs!) was vastly different. I held that decision extremely close to my chest, and never spoke about it to anyone until I was confident in my process and decision making. Though it had been contemplated and grueling for me over for half a year, I didn’t tell my *love crabs* I was moving out and leaving until the week of. The decision was made, the boxes were packed, and I was more prepared for their utterly panicked response. In that preparation, I knew in this timeframe, it wouldn’t shake me off course. It doesn’t mean it wouldn’t hurt, or cause that panic to rise up in my own belly. I allowed them to have their own personal reactions, and immediately after, journaled about their projections and how separate they were from my own. I validated myself with a very shaky hand. I kept my distance through the process until the decision was complete. It hurts in our most vulnerable moments, when we wish they could understand and be there for us. But we learn it’s more important to be there for ourselves.

  • Even with painting— if I am taking a big risk in a new composition or structure, I do not share the process with anyone other than Bri or maybe my boyfriend. I won’t post it on social media or allow others to visit the studio. I need to protect my authentic output. I don’t want anyone to impact the process. I also do this with my substacks. Only once in-awhile will I ask Bri to proof-read a concept before I hit publish. Creation protection is important as well.

  • When we begin to break the habit of stepping outside of ourselves in an attempt to eliminate confusion, we are developing self trust. It can be addicting to call up every single person in our life and ask “what do I do?!” I can assure you, it only adds more noise for your own voice to be muffled under. Try making simple life decisions without input, and work your way to the bigger ones. An example is going out to dinner with friends. Rather than asking everyone at the table what they’re getting to help make your own decision— try making it based on what you’re really craving. Little micro trusts build our system’s confidence! x

Another way to alleviate confusion is the hardest task of all: finding others who are just as delusional and committed to honing in on their fears as you are. Phew, I know— easier said than done.

• When we meet people and bring them into our lives, we can begin to understand the levels to which our connection grows with them. We try to limit our dissection of people, because our life can turn into one un-fun assessment. We meet people where they are, and we appreciate them for it. Again- that’s fucking hard.

  • Finding your “delusional” people can look different for everyone. Delusional here means leaning in: to magic, to intuition, to childlike joy, to the path of unique fulfillment and the peeling back of societal expectation and conditioning. It’s delusion in a good way. Just because they aren’t a “freelancer” or an adrenaline junkie like you doesn’t discount their ability to sit in this “delusion” with you. These special delusional crabs walk a fine line: they respect your freedom to choose, grow, and take risks— while also calling you out gently when you’ve gone too far. They validate your fear of taking a risk, but don’t allow you to sit in it and define who you are. They say things like “Wow I bet that feels terrifying as hell. But you can do this. And i’ll be here for you through it.” They hold you accountable when you fall into the same pattern too many times. They hold an awareness of when they are projecting their insecurities onto your life. They are not perfect, and don’t expect you to be. They just don’t ever try to pull you back down. They are less constricted in their love for you. They’re willing to give you away.