We are communal so it’s difficult to exist without being perceived by others— as you said, we do not exist in a vacuum. You seem to present a paradox in which being seen in any way (as a woman) is to cajole for the male gaze. Whether you accept mainstream beauty standards or reject them you are entered into a paradoxical bind that assumes visibility itself is a trap, leaving no room for a space for self expression that is not in some way a reaction to external forces. I always say that accepting a male dominated society means accepting male domination in all of its forms, resulting in a perpetual state of oppression as your paradox suggests. Enjoyed reading this very much.
Sarina thank you for sharing!!!! Trying to unearth the motivations surrounding physical appearance can be grueling work. I wish so badly more of us wanted these harmful industries out of business 😭 thank you for reading!
i’m not sure if you used this as a source or not but if not, there’s an amazing book written by john berger all about how we view art and it kind of deals with perceptions of men and women.. here’s a quote I never stop thinking about!
“Men act and women appear. Men look at women. Women watch themselves being looked at. This determines not only most relations between men and women but also the relation of women to themselves. The surveyor of woman in herself is male: the surveyed is female. Thus she turns herself into an object of vision: a sight.” -john berger, ways of seeing
I’ve been thinking about this Atwood quote for a few days and I do declare - I do not care for that internal male gaze we have been conditioned to consider at every turn. That’s is not mine. That is the possession of men, and I return it back to them. Thanks for lesson, boys. Our differences are too great for me to consider your perspective in everything I do
Nailed it. Like, crucifix nailed it. Too much? Yea... it is. It's all too damn much. And my head spins in exactly the same way yours seems to. I rebel and request simultaneously. It's torture. Thank you for this.
That was the read I needed today. I've had these ideas as someone raising a daughter that I want to be more about who she is than what she looks like to the world. Working with teenagers that are starting to realize that being attractive holds social value. And as woman in mid-40s feeling like I'm losing relevance because I am getting older. So much to contemplate. Thank you!
Me too. I am in my 50’s and I have a teenage daughter who is in full sex clown mode on instagram - very exaggerated hyper sexualized clothing and make up (and filters). I wonder when she looks at me if she fears getting old and becoming me. I have long ceased to care about being sexually attractive to anyone really but especially men. I dress for myself now and love creating fun outfits that I call 70’s urban mom chic- wide leg pants, boots and wedges, sweater vests and peasant blouses with huge square and round cheaters/sunglasses. I think I look amazing but I wouldn’t call my look sexy. It’s too fun and too smart. I hope as my daughter gets older she looks back on my style and realizes that the way I dressed was Freedom with a capital F. Because I was doing it for me and no one else.
Great article! You explained a complicated, confusing problem with clarity and honesty. I am glad you are writing about this subject. As women we desperately need to understand how we can develop an internal locus of control when the world gives us more power if we are positively viewed by others which leads to an external locus of control. Thank you for your valuable contribution. As someone whose work is about observation, you bring added perspective to this topic.
Really great article. The themes can also be applied more broadly. What decisions and thoughts are really our own or are unconsciously influenced by societal and cultural norms?
Am I wearing this particular outfit because I genuinely like the aesthetic and how it makes me feel, or do I like how it feels knowing I’m dressing in a way that creates a certain societal perception?
How much of this even matters? Humans are social creatures by nature and so of course will behave in conscious and subconscious ways that allow us to integrate into society in some way.
Thank you for sharing! This was so perfectly said. I think about this all too much and it resonates so deeply. I am beyond grateful for the women who aren’t afraid of this awareness and aim to break free from the paradox.
As someone who grew up being very overweight and very bullied, it was so strange to see the changes in people’s attitudes and behaviors toward me as I got older and thinned out and became more “attractive”. Almost as if I had gained some use by losing weight, or earned the right to be a different kind of object. Now, I think trying to understand this very feeling and move around it has shaped me into something else entirely… but I am finding and recollecting all the parts of myself I lost along the way in the words of women like you ❤️🔥
As a man, unable to share in the experiences that you have, I always felt confused by the exact inconsistencies that you have highlighted. Women saying that they are doing something for themselves or for the girls, but it always seemed gray to me. Like perhaps they didn't mean what they said, or were still influenced by the male gaze unconsciously, after having it internalized.
Thank you for enlightening me to the fact that everyone is really still figuring shit out. Of course, confused as I was, I never outrightly attacked people for the inconsistencies, nor did I think there was anything wrong with them. This piece gave me so much insight and understanding. I feel a little less ignorant, so thank you very much :)
This is something i have been deeply diving into within myself for over 2 years now! After half my life battling an eating disorder and fighting to fit into an unrealistic box, I'm learning to love the me that isn't sick. The me that doesn't necessarily fit into the beauty standards we see today. There's too much I want to say here but I will just say thank you! So incredibly articulated. 💓
Attempting to reclaim the concept that women are no longer useful when their youth is gone? Or am I just subconsciously working to prove that I am not like other girls?
I don’t know.. I wish I knew.. You’ve definitely made me reflect. Thank you
We are communal so it’s difficult to exist without being perceived by others— as you said, we do not exist in a vacuum. You seem to present a paradox in which being seen in any way (as a woman) is to cajole for the male gaze. Whether you accept mainstream beauty standards or reject them you are entered into a paradoxical bind that assumes visibility itself is a trap, leaving no room for a space for self expression that is not in some way a reaction to external forces. I always say that accepting a male dominated society means accepting male domination in all of its forms, resulting in a perpetual state of oppression as your paradox suggests. Enjoyed reading this very much.
I resonate soooo hard. Too many parallels to name.
It really is gruelling to figure out our ‘true’ motivations.
Fuck even spiralling ourselves into oblivion with these questions. I mean, they serve to keep us distracted us from what really matters.
This is a great essay Sam 👌🏽
Sarina thank you for sharing!!!! Trying to unearth the motivations surrounding physical appearance can be grueling work. I wish so badly more of us wanted these harmful industries out of business 😭 thank you for reading!
💜
i’m not sure if you used this as a source or not but if not, there’s an amazing book written by john berger all about how we view art and it kind of deals with perceptions of men and women.. here’s a quote I never stop thinking about!
“Men act and women appear. Men look at women. Women watch themselves being looked at. This determines not only most relations between men and women but also the relation of women to themselves. The surveyor of woman in herself is male: the surveyed is female. Thus she turns herself into an object of vision: a sight.” -john berger, ways of seeing
I think about this quote all the time.
I’ve been thinking about this Atwood quote for a few days and I do declare - I do not care for that internal male gaze we have been conditioned to consider at every turn. That’s is not mine. That is the possession of men, and I return it back to them. Thanks for lesson, boys. Our differences are too great for me to consider your perspective in everything I do
This was a truly eye-opening read. Thank you so much for sharing this!! I resonated with every word.
Thank you for reading with an open mind! 💖
Nailed it. Like, crucifix nailed it. Too much? Yea... it is. It's all too damn much. And my head spins in exactly the same way yours seems to. I rebel and request simultaneously. It's torture. Thank you for this.
Never too much. I love your intensity. The world needs it. Now more than ever x
That was the read I needed today. I've had these ideas as someone raising a daughter that I want to be more about who she is than what she looks like to the world. Working with teenagers that are starting to realize that being attractive holds social value. And as woman in mid-40s feeling like I'm losing relevance because I am getting older. So much to contemplate. Thank you!
Me too. I am in my 50’s and I have a teenage daughter who is in full sex clown mode on instagram - very exaggerated hyper sexualized clothing and make up (and filters). I wonder when she looks at me if she fears getting old and becoming me. I have long ceased to care about being sexually attractive to anyone really but especially men. I dress for myself now and love creating fun outfits that I call 70’s urban mom chic- wide leg pants, boots and wedges, sweater vests and peasant blouses with huge square and round cheaters/sunglasses. I think I look amazing but I wouldn’t call my look sexy. It’s too fun and too smart. I hope as my daughter gets older she looks back on my style and realizes that the way I dressed was Freedom with a capital F. Because I was doing it for me and no one else.
Great article! You explained a complicated, confusing problem with clarity and honesty. I am glad you are writing about this subject. As women we desperately need to understand how we can develop an internal locus of control when the world gives us more power if we are positively viewed by others which leads to an external locus of control. Thank you for your valuable contribution. As someone whose work is about observation, you bring added perspective to this topic.
Really great article. The themes can also be applied more broadly. What decisions and thoughts are really our own or are unconsciously influenced by societal and cultural norms?
Am I wearing this particular outfit because I genuinely like the aesthetic and how it makes me feel, or do I like how it feels knowing I’m dressing in a way that creates a certain societal perception?
How much of this even matters? Humans are social creatures by nature and so of course will behave in conscious and subconscious ways that allow us to integrate into society in some way.
Interesting questions to consider.
Thank you for sharing! This was so perfectly said. I think about this all too much and it resonates so deeply. I am beyond grateful for the women who aren’t afraid of this awareness and aim to break free from the paradox.
As someone who grew up being very overweight and very bullied, it was so strange to see the changes in people’s attitudes and behaviors toward me as I got older and thinned out and became more “attractive”. Almost as if I had gained some use by losing weight, or earned the right to be a different kind of object. Now, I think trying to understand this very feeling and move around it has shaped me into something else entirely… but I am finding and recollecting all the parts of myself I lost along the way in the words of women like you ❤️🔥
As a man, unable to share in the experiences that you have, I always felt confused by the exact inconsistencies that you have highlighted. Women saying that they are doing something for themselves or for the girls, but it always seemed gray to me. Like perhaps they didn't mean what they said, or were still influenced by the male gaze unconsciously, after having it internalized.
Thank you for enlightening me to the fact that everyone is really still figuring shit out. Of course, confused as I was, I never outrightly attacked people for the inconsistencies, nor did I think there was anything wrong with them. This piece gave me so much insight and understanding. I feel a little less ignorant, so thank you very much :)
feel this so hard. recently learned about proprioception in yoga therapy and i've been thinking about it a lot.
i don't want to be perceived i want to be SEEN.
Great observation! We don't want to be looked at, we want to be seen.
This is something i have been deeply diving into within myself for over 2 years now! After half my life battling an eating disorder and fighting to fit into an unrealistic box, I'm learning to love the me that isn't sick. The me that doesn't necessarily fit into the beauty standards we see today. There's too much I want to say here but I will just say thank you! So incredibly articulated. 💓
Keep it up, Phoebe!
Attempting to reclaim the concept that women are no longer useful when their youth is gone? Or am I just subconsciously working to prove that I am not like other girls?
I don’t know.. I wish I knew.. You’ve definitely made me reflect. Thank you
Like and love ❤️❤️❤️
Nonsense.
You put into words what I have been wrestling with for so long and continue to wrestle with. This is wonderful, thank you.